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Comic strip: A conservative
American family visits the (future) Museum
of Menstruation
 
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A Brazilian writes,
Last Tuesday [August 2008], the national humouristic TV show "Casseta
e Planeta Urgente," from Globo network, showed a fake newspaper headline:
"Trãnsito do Rio naqueles dias - Detran
instala absorventes para conter o fluxo na Linha Vermelha"
(Translation: Rio (de Janeiro city)'s traffic
on those days - Detran installs pads to contain flow on Red Line)
Detran - Traffic Department, state authority
Linha Vermelha - an expressway which serves this city
A screenshot of this moment is attached with this mail.
See the program here: Rede Globo's official video site:
http://video.globo.com/
Videos/Player/Entretenimento/0,,GIM865600-7822-PIADA+DE+ULTIMA+HORA,00.html
Is TAMPAX sponsoring a car at NASCAR
races??
See the END of this video
news broadcast.
A twin spin:
I gotta funny story. I was at summer camp the year before 4th grade,
and I'd never heard of a period. Some of the fifth grade girls were talking,
and one said that a boy named Jimmy had maxi-pads in his closet. Another
said that was because if one of his girlfriends came, he could offer one
to her. I had no clue what they were talking about, but somehow I knew
it had something to do with blood coming out of the private. Disgusted
and scared, I immediately dismissed the idea that blood would come out
of a girls private. Two years later, the exact thing that I denied happened
to me.
This is one of my friends: Ok ,so this girl had her purse next her,
and she was hanging out with my friend and another guy. Ok, so the guy
happens to see a package in her purse and pulls it out, asking: "What's
this?" Then she told him it was a pad. He dropped it immediately on
the ground, disgusted. This was apparently not the first time he'd done
this. When my friend told me this, I said, "He should stop pulling
Easter-colored packages from girls' purses."
This just in:
At a previous employer, there was a moody guy who would go over to the
general manager's secretary's office. He would wait for her to be called
into her boss's office and then snoop into her desk. One day, the secretary
took an envelope, put a tampon in it and wrote his name on it. When Cranky
Carl arrived, she handed him the sealed envelope and said, "Carl,
you need this more today than I do." He opened it and saw what was
inside, he stormed out in a foul mood.
A variation on an old theme:
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax
and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use
these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do
either one."
From the United Kingdom:
Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on all Tampax for
tinsel, but just for the Christmas period!
I am happy to find your web museum tonite.
So many years ago when I lived in D.C. in the late 80's I heard of the
museum. I cannot remember if the Citypaper or New York magazine but I wrote
the author some jokes back then and since I never became a stand up comedienne
I don't get to use them.
So what if female hygiene was not the responsibility of the textile or
paper industry but rather the baking industry.....????
Then once a months gals would be "on a roll" instead of the
rag ... and how smart would lady fingers be.
I sure it could go on with pastries and jelly rolls, etc. .. but it is
interesting how sometime based on what is a cheaper commodity things progress.
Who would have thought there would be bamboo sheets and things.
Thanks again for your great social experiment and may you be as famous
as Mr. Titslinger, etc.
An e-mailer writes, "I recently read (in The Big Book of the 1970's,
a comic book of factoids) that John Lennon (of Beatles fame), in
a drunken nightclub rampage during the early 1970's, wore a tampon on his
head."
Two e-mailers' comments about the Always
[menstrual pads] Happy Period campaign:
[1.] Then there's the "have a
happy period" campaign, which to my mind belongs on the list of plausible
defenses for homicide. (http://www.always.com/mom/boostmood.jsp)
When Always products came on the market, my first reaction was--who in
the world wants to associate any of this stuff with Always? How
about Never? That makes as much sense
as naming luggage after Amelia Earhart, who never came back.
Once I made my husband look [at her used menstrual pad]. He has never
quite got over it. I just told him I thought he ought to, once. At the time
we'd been married about 15 years, and I'd had two kids and a miscarriage.
Well, I won't bug you any more, Harry. You are a brave man and some
kind of hero. I hope you get a well-deserved statue,
molded of firm and absorbent cotton, or at least a page of immortality
in Guinness.
[Read her comments about stopping
her period.]
[2.] The female veterinarian who treats my cats gave me this e-mail.
Yeah, of course she knows about this museum. I eliminated the names to protect
the innocent and guilty.
This is an actual letter sent to Procter & Gamble from **** ****,
Austin, Texas, regarding their feminine products. . . .
Dear Mr. ****,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm)
or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe
and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. ****? Ever suffered from "the curse"?
I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must also know
about the the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written
by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to
the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful wanted to reach
inside my body and and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad,
and there, printed on on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your middle-manager brain
really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible
during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, ****? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak
girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in
your house just so you don't march down to the local KMart armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the
Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter
Is Wrong," or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take
my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings,
I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And
that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
**** ****
Austin, Texas
Hello!
I thought of the MUM's humor section when I saw this clip from the cult
British TV comedy The Young Ones. In this clip, the clueless Rick was playing
with a tampon that he found in a partygoer's purse, not knowing what it
is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk4a9o6-2zw
I do not know whether you have seen that clip, but hope you get a kick
out of it.
Sincerely,
Headlines from The Onion:
"Local
Pre-Teen Violates Best Friend's Menstruation Non-Disclosure Agreement"
"Eight-Pound
Man Removed From Woman's Vagina"
When I got my period for the first time, my mom gave me a pad to go put
on. I went into the bathroom, and came out complaining to my mom about how
bloody uncomfortable it was. She didn't see why I'd find it so uncomfortable,
so I showed her.
Needless to say, she was pretty surprised when she saw the pad with the
adhesive side stuck directly on me, and not my panties.
I was in grade school, probably grade one or two, and three of us were
playing in a corner of the school yard. Joyce whispered something to us,
completely unbelievable - she said her sister had fallen down and cut herself
"down there" - 'cause she was bleeding. We tried to picture this,
imagining falling on a piece of glass or something sharp. We could not picture
how you would put a band-aid there. We really had no idea what this meant,
or that it was her older sister getting her period.
It took me until age 15 to start my period, and by then all my friends
had had it. We used to quiz each other about the precursor symptoms. Someone
said once you started having the white discharge, your period was coming
soon. Because it took so long to get started, I was very very eager to have
a period. Many embarrassing moments were to come with it, however, as I
was always caught unaware, unprepared and often with no supplies on hand.
Like the time I went skiing with my new boyfriend. We left on a bus from
his high school and were gone the whole day. I came in at one point to use
the bathroom and noticed I had started bleeding. Believe it or not, there
were no Kotex machines, the lady at the lodge couldn't help me. There was
nothing I could do but use paper towels bunched up and sit in the lodge
till the end of the day. By the time we got back to the high school, and
I was able to get to the washroom, I had to throw my panties out, too much
mess. Of course, I couldn't tell my boyfriend about any of this, or explain
why I was sitting inside instead of skiing. The taboo was so strong, even
in 1970-something, that I felt too shy to tell him.
Only one of many anecdotes of overflowing, stains and ruined clothing.
I just discovered this corner of your web site - it's very funny.
You'd think 30 years and lots of feminism later, we'd have changed, but
my daughter is still very shy to talk about her period. At least she tells
me when she has it. I don't think she wants to mention it to her brother
though.
I'm still trying to figure out how to reach girls her age with that topic.
Younger visitors often see what a menstrual belt
looks like for the first time; often, they have just vaguely heard of them.
I had to laugh at this - when I was about thirteen (summer of '84) my
aunt was going through a bunch of things to put in her yard sale and held
up what looked like a garter belt with only two garters. "Do you want
this?" she asked, and when I asked what it was, she whispered, "It's
a sanitary belt!" Whispered, even though she and I were the only two
people there. I, having begun menstruating well after the advent of adhesive pads - and in fact, not long after the
market debut of Maxithins - had never seen a sanitary belt before. I'd seen
the pads, however - in our middle school, the nurse had apparently gotten
a good deal on a large supply of the old-fashioned pads, which she would
hand out with two safety pins apiece for us to pin them into our underwear.
It was a source of endless amusement for we would-be Valley Girls.
A couple of weeks ago I went on a trip with a couple of friends of mine
to a relative's house. This house had a pool and the one friend was going
to be on her period. She had never used a tampon before, even at 18, because
she had had trouble putting it in when she was younger. So we decided to
teach her. My other friend took one apart trying to dispel worries, attempted
to show how the cardboard applicator worked without really showing, and
demonstrated the soaking ability in the sink. Well, several tries and she
couldn't do it and my just in case supply of four ran out. So we left her
at the house and went to the local pharmacy. After debating between regular
and slender tampons, we picked up some chocolate. I can't imagine what the
man at the register thought with two girls purchasing a box of tampons and
a pack of snickers. Well, after she had chocolate, our friend was successful!
I heard a story/joke about a little kid seeing blood in the toilet
when mom stood up. She explained that "her vagina was sick."
Hope this helps.
God bless you and yours, ***
My inquisitive 7-year-old son found my tampons and asked, "Mum, what
are these bullets for?"
Embarrassed, I told him, "It's meant for girl's use so don't
ask."
Being the persistent little boy that he is, he continued, "But
Mama, tell me which part of the body it's for! Is it for the ear?"
I tried in vain to brush his questions aside with "No, use below."
He quickly jumped to the conclusion: "I know, it's to put inside
your buttocks."
Thanks for the great site! I had so many good laughs.
Cheers
So, where in !**& would you find a pantypad
on a door?
Here's a little anecdote.
I got my first period during a summer spent in France. One morning,
I fought with my sister and got sent upstairs to the room. I was angry and
crying and noticed a stain on my panties. I woke up my mom next door. She
saw what it was and seeing me crying hugged me and said there was nothing
to be afraid of.
"It's not that!" I sobbed, "Daddy won't let me watch
Dragon Ball Z!"
Of course, I already knew everything about menstruation. But
my mother's face was priceless.
Here in UK we always believed that there are strings on a tampon so
that the crabs can practise bungee jumping.
A Canadian writes,
I think I may be able clear up the problem of the guy buying sporting
goods when he wanted tampons. [Scroll down for other versions.] I heard
a joke a very long time ago that sounds similar, except it involved a lawn
mower. In any event, it's a pretty good joke. The joke goes like this:
A salesman was reprimanded for not anticipating a customer's needs.
The manager said, "If someone comes in looking for a fishing pole,
try to sell him some tackle and a tackle box as well."
The salesman had this in mind when a very embarrassed looking gentleman
walked into the store. The gentleman whispered, "Excuse me. I need
some tampons for my wife." The salesman showed him where they were
and then asked, "Come with me, sir. I'd like to show you the most
amazing lawn mower you've ever seen." The gentleman, clearly
just wanting to get out of the store, asked gruffly, "Why the hell
do I want a lawn mower?" To which the salesman cheerfully replied,
"Since your weekend's screwed, you may as well cut the grass."
Wow, I thought I was the only boy to have found an outrageous use
for a Tampax as a child, great to see there are others out there. Here's
mine:
In the 1970's, our church in Wisconsin sponsored several families of
Vietnamese refugees to live in our town. My father was the pastor of the
church, and I must have been about 8 to 10 years old when they arrived.
My mother had invited them to a welcoming lunch with several other of the
ladies, and I must have been very curious about this different culture and
interesting people, so I thought of the idea of pretending to be a radio
show host and interviewing them. I created my "radio" from a child's
piggy-bank shaped like a safe (it had a dial on it I could use for "tuning")
but then I needed a microphone - where could I find one? Uh huh, you got
it: they were kept in the bathroom and even had a cord already attached!
My mom was mortified as I ran excitedly down the stairs and thrust the microphone
into the face of our visitors and peppered them with questions! [The writer
contributed "Indians are visiting" to the Iran
section of Words and expressions
about menstruation.]
I've just spent an hour or so reading the humor on the website and the
different way that boys played with sanitary products.
Am I the only guy who, as a young boy, thought those little cardboard
tubes that mysteriously appeared in the bathroom trash can made a great
toy telescope?
The contributor writes,
I may have missed it but I don't see this one my granny told me years
ago. She was a funny, outspoken lady.
Do you know why elephants don't use tampons?
Would you if you had to put them in with your nose?
My older brother loved to get into Mom's things when little; make-up,
jewelry, and pads. Around age three (before my birth) my father hadn't heard
much noise from my brother and went looking for him. He found him in the
bathroom peeling back pads and sticking them to the side of the bathtub.
When asked what he was doing he simply replied, "I'm making the tub
puffy." When my brother was five he wanted to play A-Team (TV show
with Mr. T, who has a Mohawk and wears lots of gold necklaces). The necklace
part was simple: just put on everything in Mom's jewelry box. Making himself
the same skin color as Mr. T was simple: use all Mom's black eye shadow
all over his face. And the last thing was how to get a Mohawk. Well, he
put a pad on the top of his head and walked proudly into the living room.
My aunts were over for tea and he announced, "Look, Mom, I'm Mr. T."
These stories always come up during family get-togethers when a laugh is
needed.
We do have a picture of him playing Mr. T but I can't do that to him
on the Web - I just show it to all his girlfriends ;)
NOTICE: "THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENSTRUATION JOKES, PERIOD."
(Contribution from Joe - just joking, period)
A German woman sent these:
Why is the blonde jumping from the tenth floor? She is testing the
wings of the new Always ultra!
Why shouldn't blondes skydive when they are "having their days"?
They could pull the wrong string!
This is a true story, or at least the college friend who told it to
me swore it was!
When Jimmy was a little boy, he found his mom's tampons and asked her
what they were for. She said, "They're for when you bleed."
"Oh, OK," replied little Jimmy.
Some time later, little Jimmy and his older brother were playing in
the front yard of the family's home. Jimmy's brother was prone to nosebleeds,
and got one. Little Jimmy knew just what to do. . . .
. . . but imagine the look on his mother's face when she discovered
her two sons playing in the front yard, one with a tampon shoved up his
nostril, string hanging down!
Thanks for your wonderful site!
This is a true story that still makes my face red today. When I was
16 I was babysitting a neighbor's three daughters. I was standing
in the hallway talking to their father before they left for the evening
when their oldest, who was 7, came running around the corner holding up
high in the air an opened tampon in each hand. She yelled really
loud,"LOOK DADDY! SHE HAS THOSE THINGS YOU PUT IN YOUR BUTT HOLE!" I
died. I never babysat for them again. BUT, I did remember to ALWAYS
put my purse out of reach after that.
Regarding your tampon joke [way] below.
I'll shorten it up a bit, but the manager was amazed that the rookie
(male) salesman sold a guy an SUV and a boat and all the fishing gear,
etc.
The salesman said it was easy. First he sold him some fishing
hooks, and asked him about his fishing rod. He then told him he'd
catch more fish with a better rod. Then he said he might as well get
a new reel for that rod. How about a boat. Now a new 500 HP Motor. Now
you need a trailer for the boat and finally an SUV to pull the trailer.
The amazed manager said "That's unbelievable! You sold all
that stuff to a guy who came in for fishing hooks?"
The salesman replied, "Actually he came in for tampons. I told
him since his weekend was shot, he might as well go fishing!"
Now isn't that better?
Ed
The girls were having their sex education class. One girl piped up will
if we get periods and PMS, what do boys get? Without missing a beat the
teacher replied they get UMS. Ugly mood swings or urgently missing
sex.
Speaking of Tampax, I have a true story you might want to put on your
humour page.
A couple of years ago, when I was working in Mexico, my best friend
decided he'd come down from New York for a visit, and asked what I wanted
as a present. Now, in rural Mexico, you can get hold of Tampax, but they
cost an arm and a leg, so the two women I worked with and I decided to ask
for two boxes each of Tampax (the boxes of 40), and he was fine about buying
and transporting them, but told us to be specific.
Well, I wrote back and said, "Tampax regular, the boxes of 40,
make sure they have cardboard applicators and not plastic, because the cardboard
is biodegradable."
Armed with the instructions, off he went.
The next day, I get an email back. "I KNEW it wouldn't be that
easy!
"I spent an hour in the Tampax aisle, with all the checkout women
staring and laughing at me! What do you want? Pearl tipped, ribbed, mini,
original, glide? They have round and original and smooth and smooth maxi
and it just goes on and on and I don't know which one to get!"
We almost died laughing at work! None of us had been in a first world
country in so long, we didn't know that Tampax now had all sorts of varieties,
and the list just seemed ludicrous - as did the image of this very obviously
gay boy running up and down a long aisle of Tampax sweating as he tried
to decide which ones to buy, in front of a row of laughing women!
But he was our hero! The next day he braved the shop again, and asked
one of the checkout women which one she used, and bought us six boxes on
her recommendation, AND carried them proudly past the puzzled Mexican security
guards to us!
Can't wait for his visit to South Korea!
Thank you for your amazing Web site. I laughed and laughed and felt
good after having the PMS blues today! Here goes a Tamil (language spoken
in the south of India) "classic" joke.
In Tamil, the code for mom having periods is "not at home"
(poorly translated to "out-of-doors"). Anyway, owing to the segregation
criterion in some orthodox families, it is common for mom to be in a seperate
room of her own and her visitors being told that she is "not at home."
But we kids thought dad was being rude telling such a lie! So we upped
our voices and said, "But she is in the guest room"! [The writer
tells more about this custom on the 23 December news page here at MUM.]
All the best,
****
"It is imperative to have a holistic view of life in terms of social,
spiritual and economic development and to achieve the dream of ancient sages.
Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam" - HH Sri Sri Ravi Shanker
What a relief to see a site with humor and honesty when it comes to
menstruation!
Just a few quick stories:
My daughter was about 8 when I explained to her that someday she would
get her period and become a woman! What a day to celebrate! Not
too long after that we were at an RV park, and I got my period while using
the public restroom. I explained that we had to cut our walk short
so I could go back and get a pad. She skipped all the way back, burst
into the RV, and announced to her Daddy that we should get a cake to celebrate,
'cause Mommy just became a woman!
This is the same daughter that arranged a "Coming of Age"
Party for her late-blooming girlfriend - complete with red cake and decorations
and contests like "Who can name the most slang names for your period."
****
Hi there! I absolutely love your site. It's just fascinating and really
entertaining as well! I know that you've got pages and pages of menstruation
jokes, but I hope you have room for another. This is (obviously) a true
story:
For whatever reason, my aunt and her family refer to getting one's
period as "falling off the roof." [See more such things here.]
Anyway, one day a few years ago, she and my oldest (female) cousin
were in the car, discussing an old family friend who was way past menopausal
age and still "falling off the roof".
From the back seat, my youngest cousin, then six or so and totally
baffled, piped up, "Then why does she keep climbing up there?!"
Thanks for a great site!
****
Thought you would like to hear about the time we were crossing the border
into the U.S. from Canada via motorcycle. The border guard opted to
search out bike for contraband. He appeared to be delighted when an
OB tampon rolled out of the saddlebag. With great gusto he pounced
upon it exclaiming, "What's this?" It only took him a few
seconds to figure out what "this" was, and he stopped his search
immediately and scurried away.
I saw this one episode of Funniest Home Videos where there was a mom
playing with a video camera. She went into the hall and saw pad wrappers
all over the floor. So she calls out her son's name, "Ben? Where are
you?" She hears him in his bedroom and opens the door, and there are
unused pads stuck all over his bedroom wall, window, etc. She asks him what
he was doing, and he said, "I wanted the airplane stickers in my room."
Dracula and his friend go to a pub for a drink. Dracula's friend
orders a pint of A RH+, Dracula just wants a glass of hot water. "Hey,
dear Dracula, what's wrong with you? No blood today?" "Oh,
no," says Dracula, "I have a cold, so I prefer a hot tea",
and pulls a used Tampax out of his pocket.
I've been reading your humour section, its great, I particularly like
the, very blackly funny, joke about the homesick abortion. We have
a variation on it here in Australia, a comment; "That one crawled
out of the abortion bucket," in reference to a particularly obnoxious
person, i.e. someone only a mother could love. This comment is not said
in polite circles, and should only really be said in the company of very
close friends.
Also: Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: Because it was stapled to the back of the chicken.
You know the old exit lines "I'm going to make like a banana .
. . and split," "I'm going to make like tom . . . and cruise,"
"Make like a tree . . . and leaf," etc., etc.? A vulgar addition:
"I'm going to make like a tampon . . . and get out of this bloody hole."
This one's not necessarily menstrual, but close (and it's a TRUE story!)
About 20 years ago I was working in a restaurant with a chef named Martha.
One night a bunch of us were out for drinks after work and some guy walked
up and starting hitting on Martha. His pick-up line was, "So, hey baby,
how do you want your eggs in the morning?" Without missing a beat,
Martha replied, "Unfertilized, thank you!"
[At the bottom of the e-mail sat this:]
"There are two ways of spreading light: To be the candle or the
mirror that reflects it."
-- Edith Wharton, 'Vesalius in Zante' (1902)
[Then the writer mailed this one:]
When I was 7 or 8 years old, I was intrigued by the large box of Kotex
my mother kept in the bathroom, but somehow knew not to ask her about it.
Instead I decided to ask the babysitter, who refused to tell me. So
then I decided to figure it out for myself. In school we were learning about
root words, like how "birdhouse" is comprised of "bird"
+ "house", etc. So I started reading the back of the Kotex
box, where there was an offer for a pamphlet explaining "the facts
of life" titled, "Prepare Your Daughter for Menstruation." I
told the babysitter: "I figured it out: 'menstruation' has the root
word 'men' so it must be 'Prepare Your Daughter for Men'!!!" The
babysitter about died laughing, and it wasn't until a couple of years later
that I discovered why!
One of your jokes reminded me of something that happened to me.
When I was growing up I was the oldest of three children. I had a younger
sister and a younger brother. One day my brother came out of the bathroom
carrying one of Mom's tampons asking her what it was. He was about
6-7 years old and she told him it was a cigar for women. Sometime later
Mom caught him in the garage with a tampon and a package of matches trying
to light it. After he was punished for playing with fire "us girls"
had a good laugh and forever referred to tampons as cigars.
Fast track forward 25 or more years: my mother received a sample package
of tampons in the mail. Since she had "gone through the change"
when she came to visit my husband and me, she said when she got ready to
leave, "Oh, I forgot, I have a box of cigars for you in the car."
I followed her out to the car and she gave them to me. In the meantime one
of my husband's friends stopped by to visit. You have to realize my husband
is 16 years older than me and grew up in a house of all males except his
mother (and lady stuff was never mentioned). So I came back into the
house and I had the small package of tampons in my pocket and decided to
stash them in the bathroom. Well, before I could cross the kitchen
my husband (trying to be a tough macho kinda guy) said, "Why the hell
is your mom giving you cigars? You don't smoke - give them to me."
I gladly obliged. I opened the package and pulled out one of the tampons
and tossed it to him (mind you, his friend witnessed this all). He either
wasn't paying attention or his eyesight was going; he opened the tampon
and started to stick it in his mouth. Suddenly he realized this was
no cigar and saw what it is. He threw it across the room and was fuming! His
friend and my teenage daughter and I were laughing so hard we nearly peed
our pants. He was so mad but he knew he could not say a thing. Later
that evening he asked me when we were alone why would my mother call them
cigars. I told him the story of my brother. His only reply was "You're
not right and neither is your mother."
The contributor of "Cut your finger"and "Mouse mummies"
in Words sent this story
A personal story that I'll never forget happened when I was 13, in the
early 1960s.
Grades six through nine were in separate schools called junior high
schools. Most of the girls were just starting to menstruate and were embarrassed.
Our gym teacher (physical education) was a nice lady named Miss Fisher.
She made sure there were Kotex machines in all the girls' restrooms.
Knowing we were all mortally embarrassed about our new status, she arranged
a code with all the teachers. At that time, you didn't just get up and leave
class to go to the restroom. The idea was that classes were only 45 minutes
long and breaks between them were 10 minutes, so just "hold it."
(I can't believe we tolerated it but that was before we began to question
authority!) If you just HAD to leave class (to visit the Kotex machine)
we were assured that if we told the teacher "I have to go
see Miss Fisher" that we'd be excused with no questions asked and not
refused permission to leave. Naturally, this statement was made by meekly
tiptoeing up to the desk and whispering in the teacher's ear.
At mid-year, a teacher resigned and was replaced by a young, good-looking
male teacher in his early 20s. Yes, you guessed it. Nobody told him about
the code. When one of the girls (thank goodness it wasn't me !) made this
whispered, urgent request, the teacher blurted out loud, "Why
do you have to go see Miss Fisher right in the middle of math class??!!"
Several of the boys snickered (they certainly knew), the poor girl blushed
beet red and the rest of the girls nearly fainted. "Oh, Sir, you had
better let her go !!!!" we chorused. He let her go, but begrudgingly!
This is a long story but worth reading!
I went to grade school in the very early 70s in a very small community.
This particular school had K-7 housed in one school. We had one girls'
restroom and one boys' restroom for the entire school. The school had
been built in the early 1900s originally as a high school and the restrooms
doubled as the locker rooms. So since they had built a brand-new shiny
high school the "little kids" went to the old high school.
Someone (I am assuming male) had the brilliant idea of removing the
Kotex machine from the girls' restroom. Well, most women would have the
insight to know that girls start menstruating anywhere from about nine
years old and up and of course this school went to the seventh grade (12-13
years old). Meanwhile, the Kotex machine was tossed aside but it quickly
became evident they needed to put it back.
Well, the school being the disorganized mess that it was the machine
was kept in a back room off from the music room. One day the janitor decided
he would carry it through the classroom and back up to the girls' restroom. So
the whole fourth-grade class saw it being carried out. One of the boys
asked the janitor (Old John we called him) what the machine was. John simply
said, "It's a candy bar machine for the girls."
You could see every boy in that room turn red with anger. "How
dare they do that!" Heck, we could only have chocolate milk on Fridays
and now the girls could get candy bars anytime they wanted!
The music teacher was some ancient old man they had dug up from some
retirement home (well, it seemed like it). He was clueless. He finished
class and sent us back to our regular teacher. The boys were still
fuming. A few of the girls knew it was a joke but quite a few, including
myself, thought we really did have a candy bar machine!
So all week long the boys were plotting how to get into the girls' restroom
and get a candy bar. The problem was that you had to walk right
past the principal's office; the door beside it was the girls' restroom. Since
it had been a locker room it was huge with much of the original equipment
removed and with the high ceilings and concrete walls and floors. Echoes
were terrible in there.
I of course asked my mother the next day for a dime to get a candy bar
(she thought nothing of it since that was the going rate for a candy bar
at the time). I quickly discovered they were not candy bars but the
"things" mother had in the bathroom hidden under the sink. But
the boys were still going to get in there and get some themselves.
So we were back in music class and the teacher was not very "with
it." The boys started asking a few at a time to go the restroom but
they were sneaking into the girls' restroom instead and purchasing a "candy
bar."
Well, they were not telling each other, evidently. Because after
about 10 boys went to the restroom the principal heard them. He sent
the school secretary, who must have been at least 85 years old at the time
(no kidding), into the girls' restroom to see what was going on. She
walked in (I was in there more to be nosy than anything but using the guise
of needing to "go") and here was a nine-year-old boy standing
in a pile of open Modess maxipads the boys had been purchasing and opening
them, discovering what they were and throwing them down on the floor. She
went absolutely wild, screaming and going bonkers and ordering people
out of the rest room! I thought, "Wow, this must be really bad!"
About a month later they started sex education classes (it had never
been done before). They did mention menstruation to the girls but not
to the boys. I am not sure what they told the boys but I was utterly convinced
I was pregnant in the fifth grade because I had been kissed by a boy. It
was a really screwed-up time.
I was 11 years old when I started menstruating. I used tampons for months
until the flow was really heavy. My mother suggested I use a pad, so
I did. A day or two later she asked how the pads were working out. I
said, "Pretty good, but they really hurt when you rip them off." My
mother, being the understanding woman that she is, said, "You idiot! You're
suppose to stick them onto your panties, not yourself!!" [There are
other versions of this on these pages.]
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